Living Today's Dreams

I splurged on this little wall decoration soon after I moved into my apartment because every time I passed it in a shop window, I thought how lovely it would be to wake up to it hanging across from my bed.  I was right :)

There is nothing--NOTHING--that I want more than to be a wife and mother.  There. I've said it.  My background, especially my time at Harvard, has made that an incredibly difficult admission to make. I do want to make a case for the stay-at-home mother, but that's for another post.  For now, I want to focus on a topic that's been on my heart lately: dreams and planning for the future.

For as long as I can remember, I've had three goals in life:

1. Attend Harvard
2. Become a teacher
3. Raise a large family

The first, by the grace of God, happened, and it was a beautiful, if at times very trying, experience. The second is well underway.  But the third is the most difficult because it is the one for which I really and truly cannot plan.

As often as I discuss with my friends the 'ideal' age to marry, the reality is that it is not a decision entirely in my own hands.  Love does follow a plan, but it's not my plan: it's God's.  It's His decision when that man, that future husband, will come into my life.  And how that relationship will unfold only God knows.  

I've been feeling increasingly frustrated over the last few months. For the first time in my life, I don't have a true confidant--a true 'kindred spirit' to use my dear friend Anne Shirley's words--close at hand.  Growing up, my parents and sister were always there whenever I needed to talk.  I shared everything with my family; they knew me like no one else.  Then I moved away from home, but instead of losing kindred spirits, I gained some.  My dear roommates became my new family, and I always had a good friend nearby for a late-night chat.  Additionally, I spent two years of college in (two) committed, long-term relationships. By graduation, I had become very accustomed to always having someone to text goodnight.  There was always someone, if not several people, who knew what I was up to everyday, and I was blessed to share the lives--the ups and downs, surprises and triumphs--of those around me.  

I'm definitely happier when I have someone else to focus on and care for.  I like writing notes of encouragement; I like texting to see how an exam or interview went; I like baking favorite treats for birthdays and celebrations and for no reason at all.  But here in London--and it's taken me a long time to realize this--I don't have all of that for the first time in my life.  

My parents and I have a five-hour time difference; my sister and I have an eight-hour difference.  I am no longer in a relationship. My good friends and former roommates are working many hours, and with the added difficulty of the time difference, our schedules rarely match up.  Don't get me wrong; I am making good friends here.  But friendships take a long time to build, especially those kindred-spirit kind.  And more than anything, I miss being able to have a heart-to-heart with someone at the end of the day.  I miss taking a deep and invested interest in other people's daily doings.  

I hesitate to write all this because I don't want you all to think I'm unhappy here.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  But while I am on this great teaching adventure, I do find myself lonely.  And it's that loneliness that has been making me long more than ever to be the wife and mother I've dreamt of for so long.  The idea of having a husband to care for and to care for me seems such a sweet image that I've often caught myself dreaming the afternoon away in those happy thoughts of the future.  But this weekend, I decided to lose myself in those dreams no more.

This--this very experience, this teaching, this city, these students--this is another one of my long-held dreams.  And to dream of tomorrow when today itself is a dream-come-true is nothing short of ungrateful, and frankly, stupid.  So I have recommitted myself to living life here to the fullest.  If it is God's will, I will be a wife and mother someday.  But for now, I am a teacher and a lucky explorer of London.  

So last weekend, I dropped everything and took a spur-of-the-moment day-trip to Cambridge with a new friend.  And yesterday, I browsed the literary treasures of the British Library, sampled a 'duffin' from a nearby tea room, and explored the marvels of ancient Egypt in the British Museum.  

Cambridge as the sun set on its breathtakingly beautiful colleges

A photo of St Pancras Station I snapped while walking from the British Library to the British Museum yesterday.

This week, I will be the best teacher I can be.  I will put everything into my work and my students.  I will explore London when I can. And more than anything, I'll pray that I never forget to live today's dream.